Boyfriends
by Seductive Venus
Summary: a.k.a Haruhi's Guide to Buying a Boyfriend. She's in a for a day of silliness.


Boyfriend(s)

Boyfriend(s)

"I'm going!"

"Have a great day at the department store, Haruhi! But do you want me to go with you? I'd love to show you where I bought my fantastic red lipstick and sexy fishnet stockings..."

"Dad, I DON'T want to know where you buy your things. I'm leaving now."

"My daughter doesn't want me to come with her! I'm ignored! You're all grown up now so you don't need Daddy... I'm heartbroken!"

"Dad, I appreciate your concern. I love you but I'm not shopping with you. Please let go of my arm. I'm leaving now."

"You didn't tell me what you're shopping for. Maybe I can help..."

"Dad, I'm going to the department store because I'm buying a boyfriend. Goodbye!"

"That was a joke, wasn't it?"

oOoOoOo

"Oh, there's a poor girl. She's all alone. My heart breaks for her. I know how to help her! Miss! Yes, you beautiful thing, I mean you. Please come in to my store!"

"Thank you but I'm in a hurry."

"I insist! It's a special day because it's the store's first day! We're offering plenty of new products for young women like you. I'm sure you'll find something that may interest you. By the way, I'm Aya! What's your name?"

"It's Haruhi. Um, Aya-san, please let go of my arm..."

"Come in! Welcome to my shop! My first customer! Imagine that! Sit down, sit down! Make yourself comfortable. I run an exclusive shop and I take care of my customers."

"I don't think I'll be comfortable if I'm tied to a chair."

"Oh, nonsense! That's for decoration."

"If you don't mind my asking, Aya-san, what kind of shop is this?"

"Thank you for asking! My shop specializes in selling... boyfriends!"

"Isn't that illegal?"

"No, it's not. I run a Host Club. I show boys of every size and shape to fulfill every young woman's fantasy. I can give long-term leases at the right price! This is very affordable! I'd give you a discount! Imagine a man who exists for your every whim and desire..."

"I don't want to. Can I leave now? I have more important things to do..."

"Please don't. We haven't reached the main event yet! Now, behold, Product Number One!"

"It's dark. Wait, where did that spotlight come from?"

"Product Number One is a Prince type. He's named Suoh Tamaki! A tall, blond, violet-eyed man who can fulfill every romantic wish your heart desires! He's slightly selfish but totally selfless. You may find him charming and endearing but he's also exasperating. He needs a firm hand to handle him... Clearly a man who delights in being dominated by a woman. You can see that he's transparent with his emotions. He's easy to please and likes cute things. But he's also very eager to please anyone and everyone. The only flaw is that he's charming to every girl he meets. If you're a jealous type, don't get him because you might strangle him before the day ends."

"I'm not jealous."

"Well, the Tamaki also plays the piano and speaks fluent French! He's got a heart of gold and nerves of steel. His friendly attitude attracts people. He's also programmed to be a leader so he can wield power wisely. You'll feel like you're protected and secure when you're in his arms. You'll be the only queen in his heart. Want to try?"

"I'm not sure I like this..."

"I feel like I've died and went to heaven! You bring me to life..."

"Sorry but I don't fancy zombies."

"A princess belongs in the arms of a prince. I will protect you and even risk my life for you!"

"Thanks but my dad does that already. You're like my father in a way... It's creepy."

"You do not want a prince, I see. You deserve a king! I shall act like your father then! A princess lives and breathes with her father until a dastardly princes comes by! I will make sure that it doesn't happen! My daughter, I shall protect you with my life!"

"Aya-san, is incest included in his programs?"

"Um, it depends."

"Sorry but I don't believe in fairytales."

"We have more, Haruhi-san! So please sit back and enjoy. My helpers shall take him away now."

"My daughter! Wait! I can't leave her!"

"Product Number Two is a Cool and Silent Type. We call him Ohtori Kyouya. As you can see, he wears eyeglasses. He also has dark hair, gray eyes and well-built body. He's cool, smart, ambitious, sarcastic, rich and manipulative. Clients like his calculating and moneymaking interests. He's very organized, reliable and supportive. Our Kyouya also has a sensible approach to life and deals with problems by talking about them rationally. You won't have a hard time understanding him either. He always goes for a reasonable debates.

"Does he smirk all the time?"

"Yes. It's his trademark."

"I get the feeling that he's scary when he's crossed."

"I don't think she could afford me. She's just a high school student."

"Kyouya-san, don't say that."

"If I could, I won't choose you."

"Be careful or you might break something."

"Stop flailing, Haruhi-san! Oh my!"

"Ah! I'm sorry! How much was that vase?"

"It costs 8,000,000. What should we do, Aya-san?"

"It's THAT much!"

"Well, not really. It's just 8,000. Kyouya-san was just kidding. I can see that you don't like him. Take him away, please."

"No need for the guards. I'll be in the back to calculate your expenses."

"The Kyouya is a trickster at heart. In fact, he's called the Low Blood Pressure Demon Lord whenever he loses his temper... Or when he's woken up from his sleep! This is the kind of man you'd always see as CEOs, Presidents and Prime Ministers. He's dedicated and determined to get what he wants. Other girls would love to have a guy who can take care of them. The Kyouya represents security to them. He's almost always a fan favorite."

"He's an eyeglass character, isn't he?"

"Yes, he is. Isn't he cool?"

"He's cold."

"Let's move on, Haruhi-san! I present our Product Number Three: Devil Types! They're beautiful, aren't they? They are Hikaru and Kaoru Hitachiin! Gemini, flexible and creative is their prized qualities. The twins are close to each other; they're very mischievous. They're true tricksters because they like practical jokes and teasing. That's what makes them so much fun!

"Hikaru is hot-tempered, impulsive and aggressive while Kaoru is calmer, more level-headed and more in control of his emotions. But when they like someone, they show it. If you like fashion, you'd have a great time shopping with them because they're blessed with a good eye and great taste. They're very different but very similar to each other. Most of the girls that I've met were seduced by the implications of something more when it came to their close relationship."

"I don't get the attractions."

"Hikaru-san! Kaoru-san!"

"Don't you find the adoration of two men exciting?"

"Aren't you stimulated by the fantasy of having the affection and attentions that threaten to tear us apart?"

"Please remove your arms from my shoulders!"

"You're quite pretty. I think we should adopt her, Kaoru."

"I agree with you, Hikaru."

"Excuse me? What am I, a stray cat or something to you?"

"You're a toy."

"Kaoru-san, Hikaru-san... Please stop smothering our client."

"Let's play the Which One is Hikaru game!"

"That'a a grand idea, Kaoru. C'mon!"

"Can you tell them apart, Aya-san?"

"No, I can't do that. They always trick me."

"I see."

"Now, Miss Pretty. Which one is Hikaru?"

"Hikaru is on the left while Kaoru is on the right."

"Nope! You're wrong! I'm Hikaru."

"I'm right."

"Another round for our client! C'mon, let's play!"

"Are you okay, Aya-san?"

"I'm getting dizzy with them running around like that. I've lost track of who is who."

"No! Which one is Hikaru?"

"He's the one on the right."

"Wrong!"

"Yes, I'm really right."

"You're still wrong! Nobody can tell us apart!"

"You are Hikaru. You're meaner."

"Please go on, Hitachiin brothers. We'll call you later."

"Aw, you're no fun, Aya-san!"

"If you don't get out in sixty seconds, I'm calling out for Kyouya-san!"

"That was quick."

"Threats like the name 'Kyouya' works. They fear evil."

"Oh, wasn't Tamaki supposed to be the most feared because he's the King?"

"Tamaki is too soft. The twins love to tease him. But they're reliable and protective. The twins are good people. They're best for jobs that require them to charm and entice people. Structured environments also bore them to death. They'd be happy if they could move around; they love being restless and interesting. The Hitachiin brothers are also great liars. If they weren't good people, they could be thieves or criminals."

"I agree."

"Our Product Number Four is the Wild type! He's called Takashi Morinuzuka! Tall, dark, brooding and silent... He's a dreamboat! Strong, protective, helpful and loyal are some of his best qualities. He doesn't talk much but it's his selling point! Almost every girl I met desired him at some point. He's very charming in his own way. Even if he doesn't talk much, he's an interesting companion. He's very kind and thoughtful but he can be pessimistic.

"But if you get the Mori, you'd get a Honey for a discounted price! They're close cousins. In fact, they're so close that their relationship is undefined. Mori and Honey go like shampoo and conditioner. Or like coffee and cream..."

"I get the idea."

"This is our Product Number Five. Meet our darling Mitsukuni Haninozuka! He's the Loli-Shota type because of his light-brown hair, big eyes and innocent smile. Honey is extremely cute. But don't be fooled, he's older than you!"

"The cuteness is almost illegal, huh?"

"He always carries a cute stuffed bunny that his grandmother made for him. In fact, he adores everything that is cute. His sweet tooth makes him eat an unusual amount of cakes in one sitting. If you feed him sweets for a long time, he gets angry. He also gets mad if he's woken up. The only person who can manage him is Mori. So you really need to get both Honey and Mori for the ultimate experience!"

"Haru-chan! Haru-chan! Haru-chan!"

"Honey-san, your hug is too tight!"

"Sorry Aya-chan but I really like Haru-chan! Ne, would you like to hug my bunny? She likes you!"

"I'd love to but I'm tied, you see?"

"That's terrible! Let's untie her, Aya-chan!"

"Thank you, Honey-senpai."

"Now that you've seen all of our products, what do you think?"

"Yes, Haru-chan, what are your opinions? Who do you like best?"

"I think it was very interesting and unique, Aya-san. It was nice of you to let me see."

"Wait, where are you going? Haruhi-san!"

"Haru-chan left."

"She has to choose! Oh my, we can't let her get away."

"I can go after the runaway princess!"

"Go Tama-chan!"

"..."

"We must play with her again, Kaoru."

"What are we waiting for, Hikaru?"

"I'm going to make sure that they won't get into trouble."

"We're in!"

"..."

"Please look after them, Mori-senpai. Have fun, guys! She needs a boyfriend and it can be any of you! See you later!"

"AYA-SAN, WHY ARE THEY RUNNING AFTER ME?"

"Oh, that was fast. Have fun too, Haruhi-san!"

"I don't want a boyfriend!"

"Choose me, Haru-chan!"

"A princess deserves a prince!"

"I've never heard of a toy who runs away from her owner! Are we playing tag, little dolly?"

"She'd look good in our designs, Hikaru!"

"AYA-SAN! I DON'T NEED A MAN!"

"Yes, you do!"

"My, I had a busy day. I'm going to close the shop... See you tomorrow, guys!"

oOoOoOo

"I'm home."

"Darling, welcome home! What did you buy...?"

"We're home!"

"Meet Tamaki Suoh, Kyouya Ohtori, Hikaru Hitachiin, Kaoru Hitachiin, Takashi Morinozuka and Mitsukuni Haninozuka. Guys, meet my father."

"Haruhi, I know boys weren't on the menu for tonight... Where did you get the six gorgeous men?"

"Dad, please zip it. It's a long story. They're all mine for the time being."

"Oh, don't be so possessive!"

"I have to return them to the crazy shop owner tomorrow. Don't harass them. I'm going to make dinner."

"Princess, let me help!"

"Ow, where did that banana peel come from? Please get off me!"

"GET OFF MY DAUGHTER, YOU INSECT!"

"I shouldn't have brought them home."

"Maybe you should be careful for what you wish for, Haruhi-chan."

"I didn't wish for a reverse harem! I don't want to buy a boyfriend!"

oOoOoOo


End file.
